A Student's Essays about Japanese Culture

I had a student who spoke English pretty well, and seemed to be able to criticise her culture more than any other Japanese person I had meant. She wrote very well, and I wanted someone to keep her essays, so here they are. This one is titled "Re-write the terms of Marriage". I'm sure she won't mind me putting these here.

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Having been struggling to balance my career and family in this male-dominated society, having been told by my foreign acquaintances many times,“ So much for Japan being a developed country!” I was just wondering how come women’s social advancement can’t be realized in Japan, despite the fact that late－marriages and late-births are now the norm (I thought it meant there must have been a lot of possible female workforce, though) in Japanese society, and the ratio of unmarried women is high.

Lately, some of my male friends (in their early 40’s) rushed into arranged-marriage, and somehow all their brides are 39 (it seems that most of Japanese people must draw the line whether or not she is fertile, or her marketability as a woman ends at 39 years old. It’s deplorable. I believe I’m still available. And more surprising thing for me was that the letters of invitation I received were all written under the name of their fathers. I know it’s just in the Japanese manner. But! Over forty guys! And much more surprising thing to me was almost all of my male friends got married to the first woman they met at the first set –dating, maybe with their parents. for prospective arranged―marriage. Furthermore I suppose their partners (women) also could have been in the same situation. To be honest, aside from men, I was just wondering how they are supposed to be able to develop a good relationship before really knowing each other well, just knowing their backgrounds. I just can’t understand why they want to get just marital stage, not real love (actually it depends on how you define true love, though), If he/she loves her/him dearly, and wants to share their life, all they have to do is living together, they don’t have to rush into a lawful marriage, right? I suspect they have mistaken having good feeling for real love. I’m sure it doesn’t apply to young generation.), and all their brides had no jobs before their marriage.
Then many young women, college students I meet in particular, say to me,“ For us, it’s more important to find Mr. Right (probably, a prospective rich doctor) than studying in our college life so that we don’t have to continue our jobs.” So I asked why they thought so, they answered, “Because, if I give up being a businessperson in this society and I submit to being a woman, all I have to do is to compete with only women . That is the possibility to get the status of“勝ち犬, top dog ,winner” becomes ｄｏｕｂｌe, right?” （Currently the phrase“top dog, under dog” is quite popular in Japan. Simply speaking, in this case, top dog means to become an advantaged housewife, under dog means to remain unmarried after turning thirty years old or a drained working mother.）
I don’t know what they want to win against, and I don’t know why 負け犬,under dog, loser is evil, either. In the first place, how come they want to divide everything into winning and losing? Is something wrong I being an under dog?
Statistics says the number of women working outside the home is rising. But young unmarried women seem to think they don’t want to work.

Since last year, the government has created incentives to reproduce(actually that made me blush, though) against the birth rate continues to plummet and it has been on going, and sad to say, many officials－mostly male-blame the women, saying women value their careers more than children, so they don’t need to be educated. But number of kids born to working mother is almost identical to full-time homemakers. So simply demanding that women dump their job and have two kids instead of one to pump up the number of births to the replacement rate is unrealistic. And the latest survey says 90% of young adults in their 20’s have strong desire to marry, and more than 80% of women are willing to resign their jobs after their marriages. And they prefer a baby girl (*1).The latest magazine said young men tend to think that they want to have family(baby) in their 20’s, because they seek for the “healing”. Even if young men seek for healing in young women, it’s impossible. Because young women also seek for the healing (*2)(The American magazine called Forbes said, Japanese “Host Club”( I think it doesn’t exist in other countries.) is becoming a trend. one of owners, whose two host club shops earned 1billion yen last year, said that “Not only the idle rich mesdames but also young business ladies have become to come here to seek for healing, so I became successful”).
The survey in 2002 says the ratio of the women who want to be a single because they want to devote their job was less than 10%. In other words, no matter how much the government plans to increase day-nursery or alter the Labor Standards Law, women in question are not interested in such issues. Many young people say,“we don’t marry simply because we have not met the eligible person so far. Besides we find ourselves being no longer young.”

Then,
What are terms and conditions of marriage?
What is the eligible person like, for them?

Take conceivable opinions of young people,
>>>Women’s opinion
A reputable person=having a more educational background than hers=make sure not to become 坂本竜馬
A person having a dream=becoming getting higher income=make sure not to become an adventure after quitting your job.
A person being kind=working only for the sake of enriching her life=make sure not to lend your money to the needy kindly.
（Women dissemble their actual intentions so that their fictitious innocence can be evaluated.）
>>>Men’s opinion
A beautiful woman.(good grief)
A thrifty woman, no job=so that they don’t have to feel inferiority complex
A woman who likes kids=so that they want their wife to take care of themselves(not kids).
(Men dissemble their weakness.)

Thus, they seem to marry to satisfy their egoism. That is to say, we could say,顔と金の交換(exchanging face to money) is done in their marriage. Then, after clearing these conditions, becoming “top dog”, how do these couples live in their life?
Here is an intriguing investigation done by Ms.小倉, the author of 結婚の条件(Terms of marriage), a socioloｇist.
She said in her book, her survey has shown 3 patterns in their marriage life. There can be divided 3 courses depending on wives’ academic backgrounds.②is the state of top dog)

①----high school graduates
>>before marriage－less job- marriage to survive(生存)
>>after marriage – part-time job to support their life
②----college(2year-university, so-called 短大) or middle-class university graduates
>>before marriage-enough job, but after 4-year-perfunctory work on average, they become parasite single-marriage to depend（依存）
>>after marriage- stay-at-home mother to be dependent and satisfy self-realization (*)
③----top-class university or graduate school graduates
>>before marriage-to secure career－marriage to conserve（保存）
>>after marriage－as a matter of fact, the job of the women who have been able to continue their job until their retire age are a nursery teacher, an elementary school teacher, and a government official or a doctor, a nurse.
. (And Ms.小倉also described,
Lately, if a girl student could pass several universities, she would choose rather lower level university to enter, being afraid of “Fear of success”. Even after joining a company, she doesn’t seem to want to get promoted. She is willing to take a back seat to realize ②states to become “top dog”.　Lately, the number of colleges has been going down, so ② and ③ situations are getting closer.)
(*)She continues, more than half of women are in ②, And the number of women like them are expected to increase. In addition to 3 pattern mentioned above, she said the forth course④ has been appeared. That is specialization of ②, sort of special-class housewife state, after raising children, they get so-calledカタカナwork, like flower arrangement, a tea adviser, a color analyst.(what is it?) and so on. These jobs have one thing in common. That is kind of a instructor.
Actually their incomes are less than the costs to maintain their rooms, clothes as much as to be envied by their students. They work to consume, they would probably waste quite a lot of time just arranging their jobs to become professionals, and invest their husbands’ incomes in maintaining their jobs. She coined their behavior “Labor to consume”
They make their husbands be toiling away and work to consume. They say, “ Just because I am only a woman, that is why I deserve to be conceded the privilege of getting away with labor. That is the very top dog
(On the other hand, in spite of getting the state ②, in today’s shaky economy, there are housewives who have to work, because of a pitfall such as their husbands’ layoff.)

What does this signify?

I think there are 3 possible reasons for that. Specifically, from the aspect of law, predisposition in parenting, and history.

----In view of law

Various legal factors are taken into account, here is one example.
In Japan, in general, unmarried status is equal to being single (the ratio of living together, cohabitation is 1.7% in Japan, on the other hand, it is 40% in north Europe), and it also means low birth rate.(I think the reason for that is in the current outdated marriage system. For example, people have to hand in a child birth certificate filled in, asked if you have a registration of your marriage, when you started to live together, what your occupation was at the time your baby were born and your present job, and so on. In other words, the government implies it doesn’t want a couple to have their baby without living together, and illegitimates are inevitable to be distinguished from legitimate children in many situation especially inheritance, even though The Supreme Court ruled these articles related with discrimination has no constitutionality in 1993. In general, many couples don’t want any trouble, as public sentiment. In terms of laws, people wouldn’t presume to become minority. And our culture of shame places emphasis on outward standards of conduct. ) In other countries, being single doesn’t necessarily mean living as single or having no children.) I happened to find an article written about this issue.
Thus, the nation tends to control people’s lawful marriage. (Shot-gun marriage still has certainty for a lawful marriage)

----In view of parenting

One of sociologists,　山田昌弘氏 who coined “parasitic single” said, cited a research into Japanese couple vs American couple has been under way for over 10years, “The results of such researches indicate the obvious difference between them. Compared to other countries, Japanese tend to feel that parenting is a burden for them, and seldom get satisfaction out of their parenting” He gives some reasons for that as fallows;
For example, in the U.S., a married couple shares and enjoys raising their children, because they think all they have to do is raising children until their children become 18 years old. After that, the couple enjoys their own life each other. Basically, children are supposed to take their responsibilities in life, after becoming adults (it seems natural to me). Therefore parents don’t have to feel parenting is a burden. (.But if their life is not enjoyable, they change their partner. It was interesting for me. At first I couldn’t understand the meaning “because American are very married, they get divorced.” As a Japanese, I had a silly mind set, that is “If you value your marriage, you shouldn’t get divorce. You have to compromise to keep your marriage.” This perception gap must affect the difference of divorce rate.)
Meanwhile in Japan, people have their own roles as a member of family, and they rarely act together. According the survey which researched so-called salaried-man families, how much the couple can get along with depends on their children’s school scores. In Japan, almost all of education tuition costs are supposed to be paid by parents (I think it also applies to the U.S.), so an academic background they have is equal to the class they belong to, that is, child’s school score is the symbol of their wealthy. So they tend to use their children as a tool of competition
Even worse, although, in pre war era, children couldn’t live without relying on their parents, so there is an authority of parents or a bond between them, now, parents cannot believe the bond and are afraid of being abandoned and being hated by their children, they give their children huge financial support to keep their relationship after their children’s leaving their home, in case they feel they no longer useful. .

---- In view of history

In the 1940’
War footing, the nation had controlled people’s sexuality to keep social order, especially there was a need to make men go to the war, as a pretext or justify whose catchword was “to protect your loved one (who is supposed to love only you)”
Therefore, at that time, as a propaganda,
Nation= the biggest family
Numerous family were existed under the emperor system
Patriarchal system controlled women and children. Their sexuality and eros were allowed only within household to make a strong bond of honor between a husband and a wife.
Polygamy, free-sex were considered pre-modern and died out.

1955-1973
The end of the war brought about dramatic changes in social structures. The ancient family system gradually but irreversibly gave way to new development. And the period of high growth and economic success in the post-war era started.
Democracy had been formed. Everyone could seek to become a member of upper class.
Even though democracy could help individuals release from family system, people have been dwelling on becoming upper class, that is, people thought children from good family, if not blue-blood family, never had premarital intimate relationship and stuck to their so-called romantic love (monogamy, eternal love), so premarital relationship couldn’t get publicity.
Ms. 小倉 said, a reconstructive surgery of hymen (where is it?) was common in those days.

After 1990
Premarital relationship or relationship out of household are becoming acceptable.

--Mother’s history
Mothers’ ressentiment
Their parents said to her,“There is no need to be educated to become a wife of the masses. You don’t have to study.”
So she couldn’t achieve hypergamy (from middle class to upper-middle class)
She did part-time job for daughters tuition cost（not for living）
She wants daughter to achieve hypergamy and go easy life
She made her daughter the person who seemed to have everything in life.
She wants her daughter to keep at least the present level in her life even after her marriage.

--Fathers’ history
Fathers’ war trauma
They got through the struggle of existence to find themselves having a sense of loss. They believe only money and estates.
He always has focused on financial incentive and keeps being in a financially strong position.
He made his daughter a good material girl.
He thinks his daughter’s marriage must be an exchange with a person who stores equal values.

It seems to me that they don’t want to feel any financial disadvantage in their daughters’ marriage. And daughters also think they don’t want to reduce their living level.
But it is obvious that young men can’t maintain their rather fancy life feeding his housewife.


These views bring me to another point of discussion, that is “escaping from labor”. Considering my experience as a teacher and an observer of changing society, I feel many people seem to think that labor is disadvantage (According to the statistics, more than 30% of young men also think they don’t want to work, if possible.) And I think it is obvious this thought produces a lot of spontaneous so-called “フリーターfreeter”.
From only financial and materialistic point of view, if you have to do elderly care, you have to do work for living, and you have to do take care of several children, and you can’t afford to buy something you want, you can’t afford to spend enough time you want, it might be disadvantage.
I just would like to ask you, if you suffer an overwhelming disaster, if you are diagnosed serious disease, if you lose your loved one in unexpected accident, are they disadvantage for you?
If you can live in trouble-free life, you might be happy. But it doesn’t sound like happy to me.

It is not your fault even if you have to get involved unpredictable misery. But you can be leaning a lot of things from it and process it better. You can break through your constrains and move forward.
What do you want out of your life? What matters to you? What does labor mean to you? I think I can associate these questions with 結婚の条件.

I have been thinking about it.

(*1)
Statistics says, up to 75% of young Japanese mother now prefer baby girls. Daughters are seen as easier to handle. Boys don’t listen and are harder to rise. Besides boys and their mothers seem to have a weak bond, but mothers and daughters stay close all of their lives.
Although inheritance laws in Japan no longer favor sons over daughters, and failure to produce a male heir is no longer grounds for divorce, pressure to bear sons -especially in rural areas-has not vanished altogether, as they say a traditional proverb, “A bride who doesn’t have a son finds her position is weak.”
In 1982, the survey found that of those families who wanted only one child, 51.5% wanted a boy, but by 1987, only 37.1% wanted a boy, and by 1997 it was just 25%.
More parents want girls because life is no longer sweet for Japanese boys. It’s tough to be a man, even when they little boys have to compete. They have to get into a good university and get a good job. There ‘s a lot more pressure on them. Life is easier for girls. They have more choices. Mothers feel pressure to raise these boys as they always did. Become a good man. Of course, these pressures existed in the past, but then men had special privileges. Now the privileges are gone, but they still have all the responsibilities.

(*2)
Let’s move on to thinking about the word “healing”
Why do they want to be healed?
Although Japanese parents are perceived as rather responsible, Japanese children don’t feel the bond with their parents so much. Rather they feel they have mental scars given by their parents.
I doubt there have been many young adults who had a troubled childhood and were abused both mentally and physically. I don’t think many of them had to come through the ordeal.
But their parents conditional loves have various adverse affects on children who have no strong self.
For example, their parents’ saying even “We have expectation for your future.” is ,strictly speaking, the metaphor for “I am not satisfied with what you are.”
So children seek for healing to make up for the sense of not having something. They love someone to seek for being accepted who they are. They value their own feeling that I love you, kind of self-love, so as long as they can benefit from the love each other, it continues. And they confirm their love in the way that how much he/she loves me depends on how much he/she is at her/his demands, kind of mutual dependence, more like addiction.（it might be the beginning of ストーカー.）They love someone to satisfy their self-love for themselves as their parents have done
(I guess this emotion is associated with Japanese suicide style, a double suicide, accompanied with kids) emotional involvement.

In addition to that, I think having children never gives healing to them. God knows, raising children is serendipitous, but at the same time having children is being pulled back to their own childhood. It makes people confront realities they have been through and they might prefer to ignore or forget.(it might be the beginning of child abuse.) And I think having family doesn’t give healing to them, either. When you get older, the relationship get more complicated, all kind of feeling is there. Some of those feeling are changing, becoming different kind of love. In the near future you might have to think, like how we can love someone, even if the loved one has lost their former attraction. I might say your expediency is not available in your real life.


( I really hate this word “healing”. You might have known, anywhere anytime, anybody seeks it. But I convince, before people feeling that I want to be healed, they must have had the feeling that I was victimized or got hurt by someone. By whom? Nobody hurts you. Only yourself, right?)